Hope Will Keep Us Alive
by tiberius1
Summary: At the end of season 3, Crais reflects on how hope has affected his life. For the Terra Firma second beach bash fanfic challenge.


**Hope Will Keep Us Alive**

**Rating:** G

**Disclaimer:** Farscape is not now, nor has it ever been, mine. I'm making no profit from this and merely writing it for the entertainment of Scapers.

**A/N:** First off, thanks to notasebacean for giving this a quick read through and little help in finding my derailed train of thought. :laugh:

This is set at the end of season 3.

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Hope. It is such a simple word. Such a short word. But such an important word. It is one emotion that I have always had, but have always feared to admit to feeling. After all, Peacekeepers teach you to bury your emotions so that they cannot be used against you. This is something I became very good at, especially for a conscript.

Fortunately, I held onto hope, even though I kept it well hidden.

I first learned of hope from my parents. When my brother was born, my parents had hope for the future, that the family farm would be passed on to the next generation.

When the recruiters took us away, I could see it in my mother's eyes, hidden behind the fear and anger. She hoped that we would be safe, that we would succeed. For more than thirty cycles, we did.

Then I experienced the first crushing of hope. Tauvo's death devastated me. I had spent the last ten cycles keeping an eye on him, keeping him safe under my wing, fulfilling my mother's hope.

Then everything came crashing down around me when John Crichton entered my life. I lost hope for a very long time, turning to vengeance instead. That is such a wasteful emotion. After a while, I thought the thirst for revenge, the desire to make the human pay for all he had stolen from me, had destroyed my own life. But I was more fortunate than I could ever have hoped to be. Whether he understood it or not, John Crichton eventually led me to a new path, where I would once again find a new hope. It was he who led me out of the pit of despair in which I had wallowed ever since the loss of my brother.

Hope returned when I first saw Talyn. A project I had long thought was a failure had in actuality succeeded. In Talyn I at first saw a means to escape, a hope to survive, something that would not happen if I remained with the Peacekeepers. After all, Scorpius had all but signed my death warrant. My effectiveness as a commander had been destroyed when Scorpius put me in the Chair. I could already see those under my command losing confidence in me. Surely he would have seen to it that First Command would have 'retired' me.

I knew that Talyn was pre-programmed to accept me, that he was the key to my continued existence. That thought gave me hope that I had discovered a new means to survive.

My first solar days on Talyn were not easy, but I tried to share with him my hope for a better future, to encourage him to accept me, just as I had to learn to accept him. It was not easy, but it eventually worked. Hope is such a basic emotion that it allowed members of two such disparate species to bond to each other.

I then had my hope crushed for a second time. While I did know who Aeryn Sun was, she had been nothing more to me than another one of my many soldiers. I knew she was ambitious and a dedicated pilot, but also that she was now as much an outcast as I was. I hoped that she would want to join me, since she clearly did not belong on Moya with the escaped prisoners. I knew that Scorpius would not care about her. Only Crichton mattered to him. Together, the three of us could escape and begin a new life far away from the Peacekeepers.

Ironically, she lived up to my declaration of being irreversibly contaminated, and I found myself alone with Talyn. We had both hoped that she would join us because she was like us.

I then spent the better part of a cycle far from Peacekeeper space, working with Talyn nearly every waking moment of every solar day, teaching him. My hope for a better life was seemingly within my grasp.

During that time, I came to understand that he was so much more than a mere successful project. I mentored and nurtured him as though he were my very own son. And although our minds were often merged, we were not the same. In him I found renewed hope for the future. That we could find peace, a place in the universe.

But that was all to change again. Talyn did not entirely share my hopes. One of his greatest hopes was to be reunited with his mother, drawing us deeper back into Peacekeeper territory and ultimately back again to those on Moya.

While we were with them, my hopes became secondary. I knew that they did not trust me and that they were not likely to ever trust me. Aeryn was the closest I had to an advocate, but I could tell that while our upbringings had been the same, she had changed dramatically and was no longer the Peacekeeper I had known. She had her own hopes that drove her actions.

This became especially clear to me during the time we were parted from Moya. Even though I had finally succeeded in convincing her to join with Talyn and myself, she did not belong with us. At that moment, I learned she could never be more than a friend to either of us.

But even with that revelation, she has been the only other person I have had a hope for. When she lost I _her_ /I Crichton, I found myself hoping that she could accept the existence of the other Crichton and find peace and happiness. What she felt for Crichton was almost beyond my comprehension, and one should never lose something that special.

Now, everything has changed and again I have but one hope. But it is a different and, I think, a better hope. I hope that I will make a difference.

I know this will surprise everyone, especially Crichton. He will not expect me to do anything suicidal. A few cycles ago, I couldn't have imagined it either. But today it is all that I have. I only hope that I can convince Talyn that this is the best hope for the future for all. After all, we have seen the power of wormholes and agree that it is a power no one, especially Scorpius, should possess. And I am the only one in a position to ensure the destruction of his research.

I know that Talyn will hope to survive. A small part of me hopes that as well, but I know it is unlikely enough that I do not seriously consider it.

Today, I have hope for the future, even if I may not be a part of it. Should I, or hopefully both of us, survive, I know that I have a great deal to live up to. There would have to be some reason for my life being spared, and I know that I will have to find it. This is a quest that I hope to undertake.

I realize that I am not the same person I was when the human entered my life. I am not the first person he has changed for the better, and I believe that I will not be the last.

Hope will keep us alive.


End file.
